radical nothing

2012-02-01T12:21:00.000-08:00

basically i want to wake up before you and smile at you without feeling embarassed about it

i want to kiss your wrists and you don't think it strange of me

i want to let out all these little things but

i think you'd frown

2012-01-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

2012-01-31T15:45:00.001-08:00

all this love and no place to put it

2012-01-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

im dumb

2012-01-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

text from Bailey Hutchinson (9:25 A.M.)

Your thoughts the moment before you read this:

text from Kaleb Yaniger (9:42 A.M.)

Running 12k is going to be difficult

running 12k is going to be difficult

said the yellow pine

forgetting

of course

that pine trees do not have legs

please make sure you

all hold on

very tightly

he said

to his headbirds and armslugs

and he pulled one great knee from the earth

and then a second

and he walked past the houses

of people

who sunk themselves with great wonder

into corners

to watch

through windows

the pine tree walk

2012-01-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

text from Bailey Hutchinson (9:25 A.M.)

Your thoughts the moment before you read this:

text from Ben Williamson (9:57 A.M.)

Well. I just killed someone in my dream.

Well.

I just killed someone in my dream.

His name was

maybe

Evan,

but he said--

when I touched his neck

with the nose of the magnum--

he said,

"Will you please

say goodbye, Angela,

before

I did not say goodbye

to anyone.

2012-01-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

new year's resolutions (what, i am almost two weeks late you say, go away you piece of poop i say!)

participate in the st. jude marathon in december (this means, basically, be able to run for 30 miles continuously within 12 months)
make at least one (1) new creative outlet a regular and dedicated part of your life (suggestions: drawing, photography, a musical instrument)
hate yourself less (????? no data available)
make the following quotation applicable to yourself: ‎"Away she hurried, not beautiful, not supremely brilliant, but filled with something that took the place of both qualities--something best described as a profound vivacity, a continual and sincere response to all that she encountered in her path through life."

2012-01-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

on certain mornings i find even our

unctuous foreheads

rewarding

but i have also the

endopeptic

disquiet

in ratio to these soft dawns, and all i am is

seized for days between my throat

and my hot stomach because i

feel

around that tense organ grey whispers of

i don't know what;

loveshine, they're not yours, these snapping bubbles

under my skin,

rather, i fear they mark outside of you, us:

ennui

2012-01-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

the basic

basic

basic of all this is that i am

no good

at what i do

i have words for

what

my healthy thighs and

my resistance to motion

while people stand like buildings

over my head

god-damned

babels helping me pay rent

and

steel-nippled girls

with their abnormal thighs and

ambidexterity

it's the latter, i know

the kinetic absentia

but i run and

all my corners

split open

red elbows and knees and i am fearful

of what leaves me

i am fearful of the great steps

of buildings

while i suck my sore knees

it's just i

can't imagine anyone choosing

five feet nil

with reoccurring oral ulcers

over

an arkansas man so tall he felt

proud

of shitting in a bucket

for enlightenment

2012-01-09T21:56:00.001-08:00

i would rather most broken bones (most bones broken) than subtle midnight awareness of my own mediocrity

2011-11-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

in the space of thirty minutes i am already prepared to say fuck this project

i hate myself

2011-11-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

god everything i write makes me want to vomit, it's so childish and fucking pointless

2011-07-05T20:35:00.001-07:00

I am going to write this. I am going to write this, and it is going to be poor, and it is going to be unremarkable, and I am going to be intellectually ashamed of it--but I give no fucks this balmy eve. Not a single one.

----

I leave her, my proud-toothed friend, at her door. The air is something physical outside, something that drags over my shoulders like hot mops. It this walk that tells me something will happen tonight. I can see pieces of them, but I press them down, down, until they are in my feet and I feel each sharp edge against my soles.

My car is a shitbox. The clutch against my feet push those pieces up, but I swallow, I swallow, I gulp air and nothing against them, but these defenses are precisely that: nothing against them.

I think of old smiles, I think of the pitch of her voice at night, I think of my disgust, I think of his, and suddenly they are free--my ugly secrets, the ones I fold so tight I forget the words for them. I have only the feeling of these secrets, and they billow inside me, out of my eyes and ears and mouth. In this wheezing car they push their way out of me, each one as dark and volatile as gunpowder, as a young girl's insecurities.

I know, I tell them, gasping. I know I cannot keep you. I know I cannot put you somewhere dark and pluck up your old peeled pieces for garbage. I know you are no more feeble than the day I hid you there, but you are so shameful, so gross, that I can think of no other home for you. You cannot be a part of the bridge between myself and my friends (him, her, all of them); surely you would burn their feet as they crossed.

They are here:

1. I am lukewarm in every respect.

2. I am wickedly, quietly competitive.

3. I am ashamed of missing you; I am confused by and frustrated with my shame.

4. I am incurably poor at speaking.

5. He holds our spit covered hands over her.

6. I am afraid.

7. My base habits. My lowly, lowly returns to them.

8. I am without talent.

9. I am without drive.

10. We are not wholly right.

There are more. Some will not be bound in coherency, so much have they half-lifed into the bare elements of emotion. Certain words. The failure of our warmth. The too much of it. The not enough.

My secrets lash me hard, but briefly, and then I relax into the humid solidity pouring in my window. I let it coax the wetness on my face into stiff paths. I have reconciled nothing, but my darks, my little hushes can be quiet again.

I know I have--much to do. About these. And I will. For now, though, I have needle and thread to attend to, bags to pack, a mother to mollify. These ambiguous hates and hurts can wait until

2011-07-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

feelin a little worthless today, that's okay

let it simmer

it's okay to feel low like dirt, low like the muddystink pebbles on a playground

tonight is worthless, but tomorrow i will wake up, write a story, and bake a pie

tomorrow will feel better than today

2011-07-04T14:46:00.001-07:00

Against my own waves of negativity, I wield this: swords, words, and the damn sense to realize that these waves are my own skin, my own guts, my own teeth and nails.

I can cut and smother them no more sufficiently than I can my own smile.

2011-06-13T17:21:00.001-07:00

i am

rich

with

discontent

i scoop it

from my

mouth

but it

bubbles

faster

than my soft hands

can cup

2011-04-27T15:02:00.001-07:00

fuk u 2 lol

2011-04-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

it is sad to see something shine so bright

so reasons so insincere

2011-04-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

i am anchored,

it seems:

your smile the cloth

against my back,

your brow victim

to my plucking fingers, my hundred pens.

2011-04-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

confession

i find it difficult to watch you shine

it makes me nervous, almost makes me slink away to some dark corner where your brightness doesn't reach

it is difficult to understand why i choose to focus on my knees instead of your face in a music hall

2011-04-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

i miss drinking to be silly and dancing for fun

now we drink to fuck and dance to fuck

so much invested in this oily shit machine

2011-04-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

i am

untaught in the means to cherish,

but still i love your eyes,

how they pull me,

like smudges of sky through

the belly of a raincloud,

inviting.

2011-03-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

my mother

at the edge

of my bed,

her white back

humping like an orchid's

dipped neck,

her hair like willow tips,

the endmost slips of branch

against her shoulders

her pelvis,

the pliance of it

like rolls of sand

down a basin's lip

i wonder of its give,

of my two lost sisters,

of the night lost in the canyon

under a man and all his hatred

my mother, there,

myself a distant, fruitful pool

her hand against

that empty place

the breaths still shaking around inside

2011-03-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

"Away she hurried, not beautiful, not supremely brilliant, but filled with something that took the place of both qualities--something best described as a profound vivacity, a continual and sincere response to all that she encountered in her path through life."

howard's end

2011-03-28T14:17:00.001-07:00

ʕ·ᴥ·　ʔ

2011-03-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

a shriek has come back to me,

a dark snap i'd let loose on those youthful napes;

it pulls hard at my stomach,

rattles between the pauses of my bones

knocks behind my teeth

with private knuckles

(i am so very ashamed of the way i acted that night--the anger, the immediacy, the embarrassing theatrics of it all.

it feels like the sore basin of flesh abandoned by a wart after weeks of acids and fingernails, but it is not, really.

i am just persisting unnecessarily in those theatrics.

i do wish there was a way i might apologize without reminding everyone of my absolute ugliness that night--and of my potential for revisiting that ugliness.)

2011-03-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

i hope to some day be a significantly less horrible person

2011-02-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

if the most overwhelmingly significant theme in your moments of intimacy is a judgment-altering substance

i, well, i'm just not very inclined to take ya seriously

2011-02-21T13:39:00.000-08:00

europe bound with scholarship!

i am so grateful. thank you. thank you. thank you.

2011-02-21T07:51:00.001-08:00

je ne vais pas bien aujourd'hui

2011-02-20T21:04:00.000-08:00

i would consider myself rather fond of the "level playing field" in terms of physicality

but sometimes, the thought of being pulled close, suddenly, big strong hands on my back and in my hair

a gaze like laps of heat rolling off a fire

knowing very much that a man holds me

i want it

2011-01-24T21:11:00.000-08:00

i think, really,

it is because i am tired

of the brightly colored feathers

and the petals

while not a single respectful glimpse

is paid

to the delicate folds

ringing a flaccid penis

2011-01-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

You know

more than most

how frightening your mouth

seems to me

at a bus stop or a cafe table,

....

If it may be called a lake

then I am there,

half a leg in the water.

2011-01-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

I am

five feet tall and mostly absolved

of dyspeptic humor;

I am provided with the burliest

of carrots

and a hot lamp by which to read

at night.

I have a dog

of equally as tame a temper

as my own.

I met a girl with saloon-door teeth

and metal in her nipples and thought,

briefly,

it is a shame I have not encountered more hardship.

I'd write better poems.

2011-01-15T22:45:00.001-08:00

unremarkable.

2010-12-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

december 21, 2010. 20th birthday. my first flowers from a boy.

don't be thinkin i'm gettin all sappy and shit. i ain't.

2010-12-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

i am not particularly good

with words

i know them, i suppose,

as one knows a finch in the leaves

but i cannot say i know them

as a lover knows another's pelvis

or as the finch knows

the wind

2010-12-05T22:15:00.001-08:00

smoking is disgusting.

no exceptions.

2010-12-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

i just reread this

and wanted to cry

i hope he is doing something delightful

2010-12-04T23:56:00.000-08:00

Today,

I found myself as concerned with a rock

as was Auden with line endings.

I thought, this rock, my God, how deliberately it slopes,

and then became embarrassed by my own straight back.

2010-12-04T23:43:00.001-08:00

Here, I can smell the dirt.

I cannot count the undisturbed anthills

or the hawks

winding relays over my head,

their bright black wings cutting

through the sun.

Here, I can touch

deeply

the ground, who for me opens

like a mouth for breath:

not heaving, not clicking through cracked sidewalks,

but with the calmness

of an inward blossom of air in slumber—

breathing because it is rythmic.

I have known so scarcely the breast of a mountain,

the softness of green on rock sides.

My hands and feet

are sweating things amongst these whorls of grass,

these wild, girlish strawberry stalks,

and I cannot quite still the quiver in my neck

beneath a hornet’s silent nose.

I do not know, I say, to the distant bears,

where to begin walking,

but perhaps they know how little there is to teach

an uncalloused thing like me.

2010-12-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

here, i can smell the dirt.

2010-11-28T07:58:00.001-08:00

UGGHHHH PREGNANT DREAM. THE WORST, THE WORST.

2010-11-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

i want to be in pictures--nice ones--but i am so immensely reluctant to think that any part of me merits photography.

and, even more so, i do not want anyone to think of me as a person who believes herself particularly pleasant in pictures.

2010-11-12T18:46:00.001-08:00

salina, i'm as nowhere as i can be.

2010-11-12T11:56:00.001-08:00

some days a gal just gets to feeling right ugly.

2010-11-05T16:14:00.001-07:00

i am going to go crazy here

2010-10-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

when some people go sour, it is not because they change--

because, as we know, some people change,

and an even slighter fraction of those go sour in the translation--

rather, some people go sour

because they

wind up walking through waters

too warm or too cold

for their particular feet

they insist on this walking

and thus,

grimace.

2010-10-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

so dearly do i desire intimacy

i want to wake up beside you,

our naked knees together,

and touch your lips

and your eyebrows

and gently knead the sleep from your body

with my mouth

and fingers

and i want to tell you

with every quiver of sincerity my spine can muster

"i love you.

i love you

so much."

but so wholly does the thought repel me

and i am again a recessed tortoise,

a single bird on a monstrous-backed colossus

(it is best not to make assumptions here)

2010-10-06T19:10:00.001-07:00

How brownly does the grass exhale when

All that freshness ceases to be so;

We must be content to watch the trade,

And I think that is the issue I take, there—

That I must be alright with it.

Not a one of us can stop

With our slow hands

The wetness of a grounded leaf.

2010-10-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

you're really boring now.

2010-09-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

you will forgive my

small notes

and my hands on yours beneath the table cloth

you will forgive my

reluctance to kiss you near windows

i am a dark grey emulator of rocks

your fingers

the most persuasive

of rivers

2010-09-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

tonight feels

like a quiet man on a stoop

who i can help

but will not

2010-09-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

i'd weep for an afternoon somewhere new

2010-08-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

it's gonna be a tight year, and i mean that is two ways:

a. tight as in super radical

b. tight as in i don't have any fucking money

no worries, though.

well, maybe a few.

2010-08-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

i am not always willing to admit how easily and thoroughly affected i am by creative works (movies, paintings, books, etc)

2010-08-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

How slick, the mouth;

how often does it occupy me with its meat,

like the portions of a shrimp.

How small the nervous sweat that rides

there.

I do not mean to disturb with the

longevity of my eyes along the reef

flaked by a young blonde’s broken tooth, but

she sees my smeary eyes, and I become

the hulkiest freak as I abandon the rawness

left on her lip.

(To my inmost seams

I forbid mouthing; the two’s intercourse

would

likely

soften me beyond all repair.)

2010-08-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick of this city right now

the heat, the nothing-ness, the assfaced jealousy that churns in my guts when i see someone walk out of it

it doesn't feel like i'll ever grow out of being genuinely incapable of a long weekend away

2010-08-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

i just realized that on the last saturday night of my summer vacation i chose to stay home and read the books edition of newsweek in bed.

i, man. i'm really awesome.

2010-08-03T23:40:00.001-07:00

tempestuous at 2 a.m.

2010-08-03T23:07:00.001-07:00

i wished i looked better with this kind of hairstyle: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l4rf1e3m651qb0wtio1_500.jpg

it is so beautiful

curse you, ponderous squarejaw!

2010-08-02T09:26:00.001-07:00

i just realized

i am a total jerk

in patterns of about four years

2010-07-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

hell yeah kisses

i like em

2010-07-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

this summer has truly been a failure in regards to making money.

fuck you, barnes & noble. the job is lovely, but i just really cannot survive on twenty hour weeks.

looks like i'm back on the job prowl next summer.

2010-07-17T22:20:00.001-07:00

i'm thinking a lot of things

2010-07-16T05:46:00.001-07:00

from the director of the resident assistant program at rhodes:

"Hopefully, you’ve read my last two emails which have told you we are in a serious housing crunch for this fall. We are exploring all options that are available to be able to house this large group of first year students at Rhodes. One of those avenues is that RAs who are housed in doubles will take on a roommate. This is not an ideal situation for us. The way it stands now, each one of you receiving this email will have to take on a roommate."

FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS WAS LIKE HALF THE REASON I DECIDED TO BECOME AN RA

WHAT THE FUCK RHODES

you're in the top 50 school is fucking AMERICA and you can't COUNT HOW MANY BEDS YOU HAVE ON CAMPUS?

dicks. dicks, dicks, dicks.

i'm going to go get a cavity drilled.

2010-07-15T14:55:00.001-07:00

we are all a little bit full of shit

2010-07-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

i really like the people in my life.

2010-07-14T22:46:00.001-07:00

too many weddings, not enough growing up

2010-07-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK I LEGITIMATELY HAVE A SIX PACK

AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL SCARED, I FEEL SCARED

2010-07-09T00:35:00.001-07:00

summershine in the suntime

2010-07-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

dumb girls ain't gettin no respect from me.

2010-06-30T13:20:00.001-07:00

what the fuck shut up

2010-06-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

lolololol soon i will be the only goddamn kid in america who doesn't smoke, and this doesn't make me feel alone or left out or any stupid shit like that

i am absolutely disgusted with you

2010-06-27T22:51:00.001-07:00

i have eaten far too much today and i feel gross and kiss kiss bang bang was probably more confusing that it was worth, but

man, summer is beautiful

man, i love the people in my life

2010-06-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

the river girl

with her tiny ripple-fogged breasts

touched my hip

and told me

to kiss you

like she kisses the bears,

she pulls their lips

and keeps their hot feet wet

her knees rise like rocks

to catch their steps

perhaps i would be the

drowsy fog over your fields,

or the egret behind your musky ear

perhaps i would be the sun

that puts you to sleep

in an old swing set

2010-06-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

TODAY IS FUCKING GLORIOUS

2010-06-21T10:32:00.001-07:00

the day i turn in to a woman who takes an hour to dry her hair is the day i encourage my death at the hands of anyone willing to better the world

2010-06-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

let me only mention

the gorgeous drag

of the stiff hairs

beneath your mouth

against the inside of mine

let me only mention

the easy clutch

of your hips

in the creases of my knees

or even the shaking of your neck,

columned between my palms,

the slow tapping there

of your heartbeat

the smallness of these--

they stir in me

more loudly than a thunderstorm,

or snapping house beams

2010-06-20T07:34:00.001-07:00

sad

2010-06-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do

i don't know how i'm going to make this work

i have to

but i don't know how

2010-06-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

i was 13 in the first picture; just entering teenage-hood. now i'm 19, and just about to exit.

i was way more rad when i wore naruto skullcaps and black nail polish.

2010-06-17T12:33:00.001-07:00

25 minutes nonstop running.

i'm damn proud of myself.

2010-06-17T07:47:00.001-07:00

money is so, so terribly depressing.

request

2010-06-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

Keats Reborn in Yellow

I wonder of the cornfloss boy,
his folded-elbow hipbones,
his docile fingers that sweep
a perfumed chin like a horsehair bow
over violin strings, the heron-white
chastity of his chest.
We have walked stadium fields at night
and touched arms, sterile as the distance
between growing brothers,
as I recalled the steaming sighs
of shower pipes, the dark, cold beaches,
the wino mouths against my temples
that muttered his name and loneliness.
The morning he tucked his fingers
in the curb of my jaw,
I did not let him feel the softness there,
only the hard knot
of my molars meeting,
the salted gull shriek glowing
at the base of my throat,
but at the smallness of his smile
on my cheek,
I fell like a ruptured bellows.
The night he gave me his neck, I scarcely knew
how to bruise it.

(revised, restructured, critique welcome)

2010-06-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

i just got waxed by a derby girl who identified the mason-dixon line and called sororities a waste of time.

i've never enjoyed more a conversation held over my partially exposed vagina.

2010-06-10T09:21:00.001-07:00

these are some things that i know:

-i do not have a favorite part of my body, but i have never been more pleased with the way i look as of late

-i am not yet comfortable with things i cannot undo

-dogs are better than cats

-student loans do not intimidate me in the slightest, even though i really don't understand the letters they send me

-people who are rude to workers, waiters, or other employed individuals are not nice people, regardless of how nice they are around other people

-i have not written enough this summer

2010-06-03T09:40:00.001-07:00

secretly, very secretly

givesmehope.com sort of makes me smile like a crotchety old man who has just found his childhood stuffed animal

2010-06-02T23:05:00.001-07:00

i do not ever remember being attached

i would not die for anyone

2010-06-02T23:02:00.001-07:00

today i wanted to quit my job because a nervous, respectable looking man of sixty or so asked me for an application

and the only reason his sad genius will not get the job is because i am there trying to scratch up pennies for school

2010-06-02T22:59:00.001-07:00

you are so ignorant and stupid, everything you think and want is ridiculous

you make me look like a champion of culture, like plato's fucking philosopher king, and this disgusts me because it only means that you are the puniest of all thinkers

your tongue is made of garbage and your eyes are like wet little girl eyes

2010-05-12T12:51:00.001-07:00

i do not have enough money for school. not nearly. with loans.

but i'm not worried.

2010-04-29T20:51:00.001-07:00

wish i had smiling kisses to miss

2010-04-27T17:08:00.001-07:00

i frequently forget to take my own biting advice.

2010-04-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

yes

i often times outhowl even the most boisterous drunk

but, god, what a soft song--

a noise more breath than word--

can do to me

2010-04-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

to every woman who uses menstruation as an excuse to be a bitch: shut the fuck up. colonial women raised handfuls of children and maintained entirely manual households whilst on their periods; black slave women spent hours in the sun, performing astonishing feats of physical labor whilst on their periods; our past two secretaries of state were female, and do you think they devolved in to some irrational, ridiculously emotional, self-absored twat once a month whilst maintaining relations with foreign countries? no. they did not.

exercise is proven to lessen the intensity of cramps. if your lady parts are hurting you enough that you feel the need to act like a dumb whore, get on the fucking treadmill instead of parading around like a whiny, entitled two year old.

i hate women.

past

2010-04-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

i have been bare in the water with a boy i do not love

i do not know what this makes me, but i know what it does not

he kind of seemed like a dick

2010-04-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

In a Station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;

Petals on a wet, black bough.

--Ezra Pound

2010-04-14T08:13:00.001-07:00

ugh.

why does it feel like when i really want something and i put forth a significant amount of time, effort, and hope in order to achieve it--it doesn't come through?

i DO what i'm supposed to do. i do a good fucking job and i frequently go beyond what is expected. i'm tired working this hard and being the empty fucking handed idiot at the end of the race.

2010-04-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

you don't know what you do

to me

with the merest tangle of our arm hairs,

with the moisture of your nostrils

by my ear

(regressing something awful. i'm a college student going on a perilously hormonal fourteen year old.)